The first day of school~8/11/2010

My hands are still sweating, my heart is still pounding, my body is still shaking, and my head is still throbbing, but I tell myself the worst is over. Well, at least I hope it is.
I took the kids to the first day of school this morning, proud of myself that I only cried once. I can't believe how big they are getting.
Then I got home, and it hit me. Hard. I had a good cry, and with a few words from one of my best friends, I got through it. I will be fine, it will just take time.
I'm not ready for this "stage" in my life. I feel like I am losing a piece of my identity, and I don't like it. For the past 3678 days, everything that I am, want to be, and will become, has revolved around my children. I didn't plan it this way, it just happened.
Adam and I honestly thought that IF we actually were able to have babies it would take a lot of time, prayers, and medical intervention. Just before getting married I had gone to the Dr. & he had told me that my ovaries didn't look good, and that there were so many cysts covering them they could hardly make out an ovary, and with all of the other drama my body creates, children didn't seem likely.
So when we found out we were having a honeymoon baby, we were thrilled. When Jaden came I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to be there for every single moment. Then we found out we were pregnant with Bailia when Jdog was only five months old! I was on birth control and breast feeding, it was a shock, but we figured she must really need to get here. Then Bailia was a year and a half, Jaden two and a half when we found out we were pregnant with Koda.
After delivering Koda, the Dr informed me that my baby days were over. Koda would be my last. Even though I wanted more, I am SO grateful that I have my three babies. I think that God knew that I needed to have these babies to help me become the person I want to be.
Some would say that I have lost "who I am" since becoming a mom. I disagree, I am "who I am" because I am a momma.
I can count on one hand how many times my kids have gone to sleep without their mom with them. Jaden has been left the most because two of those nights I had to deliver his brother & sister, but he doesn't remember it. I had to stay overnight in the hospital after my hysterectomy, and I left for two nights when I won the trip to San Fransisco from Oprah, but I felt okay knowing Adam was with them. That's how obsessive I am with my kids. I worry everyday, about everything, about nothing. It is what it is, and it doesn't look like that will change anytime soon.
People have always asked if I will go back to work when all of the kids are in school. The answer has always been no, and now that they are all in school, the answer is still no. I still have a full time job as a mom. I will volunteer at the kids school at least three days a week. Not to mention as soon as the kids jump in the car at 3:30, I will be living in there until 8:00 every night, Monday through Friday. Driving the kids to and fro.
Between two days a week of golf, five (three for J, two for sis, and one for Koda) days a week at gym, two days a week at piano, plus activity days, soccer practice & games, homework, piano practice, school projects, golf tournaments, and gymnastics competitions, I think I may have lost my mind somewhere. But apparently the courts haven't heard the news that I am a loony toon, since I have been summoned for jury duty next week. Oh the joys!
But that is okay. I do what I do because I want my kids to be happy, productive, helpful, kind, and thoughtful individuals. I want them to pursue the things that they want to, and figure out the person that they want to become. I want them to go full force with every opportunity that comes their way, whether they succeed, or fail, they will become a better person for it.
In time, I am hoping that by having a little bit of "me" time will help me become a better, more patient momma. As for now,I will try and make it through the first day, then the first week, and then the first month without breaking down and crying too often . . .